Today I had to go outside. I had to go outside because I needed an ultrasound on my right knee.
So I’m getting ready to leave the house and I feel okay. I’m finally feeling almost 100% myself. Well, other then my random crying fits. But I mean physically. I don’t feel so drowsy anymore, my thought process isn’t so jumbled up. The stuff I do remember from that night, I’m sure of. I feel like I’m ready to take on the day. And then I opened the door to get to the truck. (Keep in mind my mom is with me the whole time. I should feel safe). All I wanted to do in that moment was turn around, go back inside, lock the door and run straight back into my bed. But someone did something to me and need the test done. I have to go. So I push myself. The walk to the truck seemed like eternity with my head whipping back and forth looking for a man whom I have no idea what he looks like. Made it to the truck. Now I have to get out of the truck to go inside the insight imaging place. This time my mom went be with me. But it’s just a short dash from the truck to the building. Once I’m inside I’ll be fine. Wrong again. I find myself scanning faces and watching everything and everyone. I don’t trust them. But this has to be done. Keep pushing. It didn’t take long. They had me in a room pretty quickly. I was in and out. Now I have to make it back to the truck. But this time it’s a whole parking lot. I can see where my mom is parked. It’s right out in front. But what if I open the door and it’s not her. Instead it’s someone who’s trying to kidnap me. *Shut up Shai. You know that’s your mom not go get in the truck.* And while I know that’s my mom in that truck, what if I don’t make it the 10 steps required to get there. So hobbled as fast my fucked up knee would allow, peaked in the passenger side window, just to be safe, and got in the truck. I’m home now, feeling as safe as I can. And all I can think about, is how I have to leave the house again tomorrow to talk to the detective. I’m afraid to leave my house.
ImNotOkay 