Taking a shower not wanting to touch myself. Feeling disgusted at the thought of it. Laying there, letting the shower bead down on me and thinking, what if I was dressed differently? Looked uglier? What if I didn’t lose that bit of weight? Would I have been less appealing? It wouldn’t have made a damn difference and I know that. I wasn’t dressed provocatively or even wearing makeup. I went to have a drink in memory of my Love.

Why do I have sit here and tell myself that if I dressed differently that I would have been okay. Why do I feel shame over a choice that was taken away from me.

At the hospital they asked if I wanted to hurt myself after what happened. Fuck no! I’m more scared then ever. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to feel anymore unnecessary pain. I want to live my life without absolute fear that the worst is going to happen.

I just want my life back. I want to be me again. I want to be okay.