So I’ve barley left my house in the last month. Ever since that monster took my dignity, I’ve left maybe twice. Today I had no choice. I had to go in for finger printing today or have a warrant for my arrest. And they would know where to find me considering I’m too scares to leave my house. It’s gotten to the point that on the day I’m suppose to go get stuff done, I start freaking out as soon as wake up. Horrible, gut wrenching anxiety. I can’t breath. I get this sinking feeling. Then nausea. Followed by numbness of my limbs as well as my face. Just a feeling of emptiness a utter fear, curled up in the tub while the shower rains down on me type of anxiety. And I’m freaking out. Crying and imagining only the worst things are going to happen. It’s a horrible feeling. I do that any day I’m suppose to get out of the house. And almost every time I back out and have my mother deal with all my shit. I don’t like the idea that I could be walking past my rapist and not know it because I have no memory. That’s scary. Its debilitating. Mind numbing. I just shut down sometimes.
Anyways, I took two clanazopam to help calm me down, so I could at least not be freaking out at the station. I tripped balls all the way there, I even told a few people I was going to knock them the fuck out. Like, my mind was just racing and couldn’t process a complete thought. I was lost and out of my comfort zone. By the time we got downtown my medication kicked in and I didn’t feel so out of control. I experienced minor anxiety while inside as there wasn’t many people and I had requested that a female be present during fingerprinting. That helped. To top it off, the gentleman and the lady doing the printing, were very helpful in giving me advise on my case. So all in all it was okay. My medication worked its magic and I did what I needed to do.
I feel like I took a big step today,although forced, I took it. And I made it through the other side. And I’m stronger for it. Now I just have to get through the appointment with my lawyer today. Fingers crossed I blank out and lose it. Two outings in one day would be a feat for me right now, considering how long I’ve been cooped up in my house. I’m going to make this happen. I’m going to get over all my shit and finally be me again. It will be a journey. A straight up adventure. And at the end of it I’ll be stronger then ever. Just wait and see. You’ll see.
ImNotOkay 