Long time

I haven’t written here in a while. I’ve had a lot going on. A story for another time. Today was rough. I know I have problems. I get angry fast. I take that anger out on the wrong people sometimes simply because they are there. I get so angry that I just cry because I can’t so anything else. I want to punch holes in the walls, rip the doors off the hinges, I imagine hurting people even sometimes. It’s hard but I’ve gained better control over my physical anger. Today when I wanted to break everything, I broke nothing. I just sat on the couch and screamed and cried and tried to calm down. In the end I won. So I’m learning and growing. I still have not left home, even if we weren’t on quarantine I wouldn’t want to. I’m still not brave enough to go out not knowing who hurt me. The good news is I’ve secured a new home and am moving in a few weeks so I will be able to have a fresh start in a new city, feel safe in my own house and neighborhood. Two more weeks and its moving day!

Today was my, dead common law husband, and my anniversary. I imagine that triggered my episode today. Hopefully tomorrow its business as usual and I can just have a happy and calm day! I’m not a bad person, I’m just having a hard time wrestling with my mind. It is no excuse though. I will do better.