Start of a Book?

Life is hard. I often find myself wondering, why I’ve had to endure all that I have, so early on in life. I wonder if all of this pain has made me stronger or if it’s just desensitized me. I wonder just how much these hard ships have shaped me. Did they make me who I am or was I going to end up being this person in the end anyways? Have I turned into someone that I am proud of and do I know what I want going forward? Am I ready to move forward? All of these questions going through my mind almost all of the time. Those and so much more.

At the end of the day though, is it healthy to sit here and dwell on all these things. Anxiety ridden day after day because I’m always questioning if whether or not I’m good enough. Am I? Whether or not I deserve love. Do I? I don’t think it is healthy. I think that sometimes dwelling too much on all of this, ultimately makes me more miserable, unhappy and prone to emotional outbursts of anxiety. I don’t know, it is really hard figuring it all out.

Navigating everyday is sometimes brutal for me. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to get over one tragedy before I’m hit with another. A lot of the time it feels as though, I’m where I’m ready to move forward and I’m finally feeling happy and at peace; that’s when it seems to strike and then everything else comes back with it. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of wondering whats coming next. What kind of tragedy is going to take me down in a few months? Its a terrible feeling. Every time someone I love leaves for long periods of time, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t see them again. I’m afraid that I won’t get to tell them how much I love and adore them. How much they impacted my life. I love my family and friends with every part of me, so every time I lose one of them, I also lose a piece of myself and I’m not sure who’s going to come out the other side.

One of the things that has kept me going are my kids. Through every thing, at the end of the day, I know that they need me. And they deserve 100% of me. That’s what I intend on giving them. So I keep pushing, I keep fighting and I keep surviving no matter what. And not just for them, it’s for me too. I may not have it all figured out but what I do know is, I am a strong women and my boy’s and I will be just fine.