Today I was forced to take a step that I wasn’t ready to take. I was forced to go out into the world without someone I trust and I wasn’t ready. The possibility that it could happen today was always there. I think that’s why I had a break down this morning. I knew I was on my own.

My son had physio today. I had a ride lined up to get us there. I made sure they weren’t busy and that they could do it. An hour before the appointment I get a message saying they are waiting on someone and should make it in time but they were stressing. Great, now I have no choice. This is for my son, it needs to get done, I need to get him there. So we took a cab. I made sure I took my anxiety medication before leaving to avoid any other episode so for the most part it was an okay ride. Other then the fact that I can’t help but notice everything and everyone. I trust no one. Constantly on guard. That’s no way to live. Anyways, I had asked my ride if they could be there to pick us up when we were done. That way at least I can ride home with someone I trust. Great, it’s all set up. Get done with the appointment and call to see where my ride is at. They haven’t even left yet. Jumping in another cab. Again, out of my safe zone. This day blows fat chunks.

I want to lean on and depend on my family and friends for support. But the reality of it all is I don’t have any one to lean or depend on. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on. I don’t get to have that sense of safety and security anymore and I have no one to turn to either. I feel alone and non existant. I feel like I’m at the bottom of the list, even worse, like I’m not even on it. I feel worthless. Like nothing.

I cry alone in my room. I cry out for help but nobody hears me. And if they hear me they don’t care enough to come to my emotional aid. They don’t care enough to give a fuck about how I feel. A pocket full of fucks but completely unwilling to give any. Maybe I’m just being selfish. Maybe, regardless of what happens, it’s no ones problem but my own. Maybe, I never should have expected to support, it was never mine to expect. Maybe, being forced to face is fear is exactly what I needed.

Maybe it’s just me……

Maybe your stronger then you think. That’s what she said to me two days ago. Two days ago when I was having a good day. Because for the first time since the incident, I had a few good days in a row. Things were looking up. Laughing, telling jokes. It was like I used the no more tears shampoo on my feelings. And then I woke up this morning. And then the toddler decided to be difficult. Which is fine. I can handle that but then he started to cry for nothing. That’s okay, I’ve got a handle on that too. But he turned into the Energizer bunny and just kept going and going and going. So you know what, I don’t want this to be a bad day, so I’m going to put the baby back to bed for an hour or two. I don’t think he got enough sleep. So the babies back in bed, I need some adult time and to try to relax my nerves a little bit. Fix this day before I let it go shit. So I’m upstairs and all seems good until teenage mom opens her big fucking mouth because she can’t take a truthful joke. Truth must really hurt I guess. “Yeah, YOU BET”. But that’s the end of the line for me and everything just went to shit after that. Next thing I know my mom is all of a sudden bitching at me about who I am. I’m sorry if who I am isn’t good enough for you. I’m sorry if my mental state at the moment is a burden to you. Your free to walk away at any time. I can’t tip toe around everyone else’s feelings while trying to do the same with mine. I’m fucked up, I’ve been drugged, I’ve been raped and even though I was on my period I’m scared that I could be pregnant with the child of a rapist. That’s something that would tear my world apart. I’m frightened and I’m alone. I’m always alone, even when I’m surrounded. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get out of bed, I do it anyways. I don’t want to smile but I do it anyways. I don’t want to make any kind of food even once during the day, I do it 3 times a day plus snacks, anyways. I don’t want to keep my house clean but I fucking do it anyways. I don’t want to do anything at all……..but I do. Everyday I pull my lazy, sorry, sad, depressed, anxiety riddled body out of my safe, warm and cozy bed and I function through the day as if everything is okay. And on the days that I’m crying out for help, no one hears me. I’m all alone. Maybe your stronger then you think. That’s what she said to me two days ago.

I hope she’s right.

I’m starting to not feel so afraid inside my own home anymore. I still can’t sleep at night but I’m functioning better inside my safe space. Still afraid to leave the house on my own. My emotions are still all over the place. I’m snap in an instant, start bawling out of no where and other times I’m perfectly fine. I definitely need to see a therapist. I can only imagine what the next few months to who knows how long, has in store for me. Follow-ups with the case. More blood tests. I look forward to the day when I can truly put this all behind me. When I can finally start to truly heal. For now, it’s just one day at a time.

I can hear how stupid I sound. As I’m saying the words. And I’m telling people how I feel in that moment. About the fear that engulfs me outside and even inside my own home. The incident messed with my head. I don’t know who to trust. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to be normal again in public. Believe me, I can hear how crazy I sound. I don’t even want to finish what I’m saying anymore because its not me. I’m not this weak, fragile, broken, scared shell of a human. I’m was more than that. More than a shell. More than a genetic host to fill a space, never leaving my own home unaccompanied. I will be again. I will be even stronger. Wait and see. One day I will emerge from my dwelling ready to take on the world again. Until then, I’m just going to sound dumb.

I’m feeling a lot safer since my sons dad showed up. He’ll leave eventually but at least for now I don’t have to be fearful in my house. I feel safe with him here. Not sure I’ll ever be able to trust another man in my life but for some reason he’s who I reached out to when I had no one. I didn’t think he would show but he did. Sleep still evades me though. As long as I fall asleep before morning.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. -Bob Marly

Just read this and it hit me, I’ve never felt anything more true in my life. When my common law husband passed, I thought I had tons of support to help me through. After a week I realized I was on my own and the only person who was going to help get me through it was me. A year and half later I bury my grandfather and on the same day find out my Uncle hadn’t returned to shore the night before. He was lost out on the Great Slave Lake. Two hard blows. I held onto hope for my uncle but I knew he was gone. The winds and waves were strong and massive that night. No way him and his crew survived. The next day we got word that they had found the boat but the men were no where to be found. This didn’t just affect me. It affected all the family, friends and even people that never knew but heard of him. He was a great man and the closest thing to a father I ever had. But I wasn’t aloud to be weak. I had to be strong because my cousin needed to grieve and needed someone to be strong for her. And now the recent events that have turned my world upside down. I find myself alone with no one wanting to help. I find myself pushing harder to get better but I’m not getting anywhere. I will get through it. I will rise above. I just might need expert help to do it since the ones I thought I could depend on have shown me what’s really important. So, time for me to be strong. It is my only option.

If you ever want to find out who cares, wait for something really bad to happen to you and then see how long it takes them to forget. I’ve realized now that I’m on my own. The people I thought were here for me, it feels like they don’t give a shit. All they care about is what they want and how they are feeling. I just feel like I’m always there when they need me. I help a lot when it’s important. And when something bad happens to me, I don’t ask for help, I deal on my own. This time I need someone. I have no one. I’m all alone.

Almost 5:30 am, still wide awake. I just wish my brain would shut off long enough for me to just sleep. I’m so tired all the time but I can’t sleep. Hopefully this doesn’t drive me insane. I should probably talk to a professional. But I’m not really sure how to do that. I’m sure no one really does. Where do you start? You go and just start talking? They ask you questions? I don’t know. I m not sure if I could walk in and tell a complete stranger everything I hate about myself now. How it’s not fair or right. Guess what Shai, nothings fair or right. I have to pull myself out of this swirling pit of self pity before it’s too late. I have to pull myself together. I have to be okay.

I find myself, looking for a strong male figure in my life. One that I trust. I find myself seeking out my sons father and asking him for protection. All I want is his presence so I feel just a little safer. I know he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. I found myself messaging my father. A father that has been ignoring me since 2016. For some reason I thought his fatherly instinct might kick in and he would come to my rescue. Wrong again. The only other strong male figure in my life, my uncle Stacy, the closest thing to a father I have ever had. He was lost on the Great Slave Lake mere months ago. I know if he was alive I could call him. I could tell him what happened. And he would take all my pain away, even if just for a moment. He might even come and get me and take me in his arms and make me feel safe again. He would help through it. He would remind how strong I am. He would tell me until I believed myself. I hope he would anyways. He was a tough guy but when it came down to it he was always there with open arms when you needed it. I wish he was here now. I just wish the tragedys would stop hitting me like tsunamis one after the other. I wish I never went out for that memorial drink.

I’ve decided, what’s the point? Trying to fall asleep? I know I can’t. I can’t shut off my brain. Can’t stop running the scenarios through my head. This is a daily thing. Every day, every night. Save for when I do finally fall asleep. I’m too scared. And I shouldn’t be. One day I’ll make it to the end of the tunnel and waiting for me will be giant aspens, oak trees, big fields of wildflowers, butterflies and dragonflies. And I’ll have made it through the darkness and found my peace in life. One day, I will feel like myself again. For now I just keep pushing because that’s what my kids need me to do.